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Monday, September 5th, 2005
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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
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Goddamn, this song is beautiful.
I'm going through my vast collection of music to select all the music I was listening to between December 2000 and December 2001. It's kind of fun and it's putting me in a gooder mood. :)
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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I keep meaning to speak, but I can't. The words are always on the tip of my tongue, but I always manage to swallow them in my effort to spit them out.
I've been battling writer's block for 2 months now. It's the longest I've gone without writing something. I can't seem to figure out what's wrong.
Is it lack of inspiration? I haven't really been inspired to do anything great. I'll have a brilliant idea and it always sounds so much better in my head than on my sequencer. I keep saying to myself, "This is not me. This is not where I want to take my music." It would be easy for me to make dancefloor fodder and crank out the same song 20 different times and get signed. But I couldn't do that...I'm trying to break new ground and do something different. Maybe that's the problem...maybe I'm just trying too hard. But that leads me to my other theory...
...is it lack of motivation? I don't have the drive for writing music right now...I don't have the drive for anything. I sit in front of my computer all day, everyday. I don't go out, except on Fridays. I have no job at the moment. I wake up at 4 in the afternoon and go to bed at 8 in the morning. I spend all my time throughout the waking night playing video games, waiting for someone to talk to me. I just can't get motivated to do ANYTHING. I want to write from my soul, but...there isn't anything that my soul pours out anymore....at least that's what it seems.
I'm slowly going crazy...I hear these melodies in my head, but...they're stroboscopic in their nature. They come like flashes of white light and then....disappear. It's as though my head and my soul have lost their telepathic link. And I don't know what I can do to get it back. Everyone tells me, "Wait it out. Something will come to you." But...what happens if I never write another tune again?
I remember when I wrote Mystshyftr...I still don't even feel like it was my track. I feel like it was just given to me from some divine force. I awoke from a dream and I played the melody that was given to me and the rest came in from there. There's so much of myself that I put into that track...or Shadowchasing or Red Nova or Neuromantic. My imagination ran wild with each of those tracks that I wrote.
Now I don't even have dreams anymore.
- cLOUDDEAD
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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Man...they don't ever tell you how bad relationships can suck before you get into them.....
....and they don't ever tell you how beautiful the words, "I'm sorry. I love you." sound coming from your lips or theirs.
- whatistheretosayexceptthatcloudDEADpacmanthrees
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
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UPDATED: Hey gang...just a small note. Should any of you ever feel the need to do something nice for me, pay me back in some small way, whatever...and you're unsure of what to do, you can always buy me records. Yes, I know this seems like a ploy to get everyone to spend money on me, but it's not. One way or another, I'll acquire these records. But as I said above, if you feel like doing something special for me, I'd be much appreciative of any of the following records (warning: this is a big list, but I figured it would be easier for those who actually want to purchase me a record to have a wide variety to choose from).
Usual Suspects : Killa Bees/Contortion : Renegade Hardware (RH16)
Usual Suspects : Spawn Punch/Hole Punch : Renegade Hardware (RH17)
Konflict : Roadblock/State of Mind : Renegade Hardware (RH19)
Konflict : Cyanide/Outpost : Renegade Hardware (RH20)
Konflict/Usual Suspects : Bad Acid/Doorway : Renegade Hardware (RH22)
Armageddon - Volume 2: The Remixes : Renegade Hardware (RH25)
Konflict : Maelstrom EP : Renegade Hardware (RH26)
Usual Suspects : Syndrome EP : Renegade Hardware (RH27)
Essential Rewindz LP Sampler : Renegade Hardware (RH28)
Ink : Kaos Theory EP : Renegade Hardware (RH31)
Cause 4 Concern : Symptom EP : Renegade Hardware (RH32)
Usual Suspects : Lunacy EP : Renegade Hardware (RH33)
Future Cut : Ghetto Style EP : Renegade Hardware (RH35)
The Harder They Come - Part 1: Invasion Tactics : Renegade Hardware (RH36)
The Harder They Come - Part 2: Divide & Conquer : Renegade Hardware (RH37)
The Harder They Come - Part 3: Colonization : Renegade Hardware (RH38)
The Four Elements: Earth EP : Renegade Hardware (RH39)
Dillinja : Twist 'Em Out/Kids Stuff : Renegade Hardware (RH40)
The Four Elements: Air EP : Renegade Hardware (RH41)
The Four Elements: Fire EP : Renegade Hardware (RH42)
Keaton & Hive : The Plague/Resolution : Renegade Hardware (RH44)
Dylan & Loxy : Fraggle Rock/The Force : Renegade Hardware (RH46)
The Hardware Chronicles - Volume 1 : Renegade Hardware (RH47)
Raiden : Infection EP : Renegade Hardware (RH48)
Keaton : The Invisible Man EP : Renegade Hardware (RH49)
Resonant Evil/Resonant Evil & Molotov : Troubleshoot/Salamol : Renegade Hardware (RH51)
Aftermath: Essential Rewindz : Renegade Hardware (RHLP03)
Armageddon : Renegade Hardware (RHLP2000)
Faith In Chaos : Possession (Dylan Remix)/Possession (2 Sinners Remix) : Outbreak (OUTB010)
Dylan : Inferno EP : Outbreak (OUTB011EP)
Dylan : Trapped In Beats EP - Volume 4 : Outbreak (OUTB023)
Resonant Evil : Bunker Buster/Doomsday Device : Outbreak (OUTBLD12)
Future Prophecies : Rocksteady/Fire : Outbreak (OUTBLTD6)
Konflict : Obsidian/Pendulum : Deeper Realms (DR001)
Konflict : The Mummy/System Bleed : Negative (NTV001)
Stakka & Skynet : Clockwork LP : Underfire (UDFRLP04)
Clockwork LP Sampler : Underfire (UDFRLPS04)
Karl K : Synapse/Synapse (Konflict Remix) : F-111 (HE0-44827)
Kemal : Animation/Mechanism : Architecture (ARX005)
Kemal : Cluster/Pace : Cryptic Audio (CPT002)
Ink & JW/Kemal : Alien Planet/Re-animation (Kemal & Rob Data Remix) : Architecture (ARX007)
Kemal & Rob Data : Gene Sequence/Portal : Negative (NTV002)
Kemal & Rob Data : Star Trails/Hybrid : Audio Blueprint (ABPR013)
Kemal & Rob Data/Narcosis : Konspiracy/Escape Route : Industry (12IND002)
Kemal & Paul Reset/Stakka & K.Tee : Kontempt/Rubber Bullet : Underfire (UDFR017)
Unicorn EP : Architecture (ARX006)
Technical Itch & Kemal : The Calling/Signal Trace : Moving Shadow (SHADOW160)
Kemal/Kemal & Rob Data : Submerge/Test Tube : Timeless (TYME004)
Rob F, Impulse & Kemal/Rob F & Impulse : Creature/Ultraviolet : Cryptic Audio (CPT003)
Typecell : Astrocubic (Kemal Remix)/Cosmological : Protogen
Paul Reset/SKC : Crisis (Kemal Remix)/Recharger (Black Sun Empire Remix) : Nerve (NERVE005)
Dom & Roland : Imagination/Imagination (Kemal & Rob Data Remix) : Moving Shadow (SHADOW152)
Pressure Rise : Focus LP : Aspect (ASPLP001)
Paranoid User : Safeguard/Pitch Black : Cryptic Audio (CPT001)
Black Sun Empire : Smoke EP : DSCI4 (DSCI4EP002)
Black Sun Empire : The Rat/B Negative : Black Sun Empire Recordings (BSE001)
Ill.skillz/Black Sun Empire : The Beat/B Negative (Ill.skillz Remix) : Encrypted (ENC003)
Black Sun Empire : The Silent/Bombrun : Piruh (PIRUH003)
Black Sun Empire : Vessel Fragment : A New Dawn (AND05)
Transglobal - Volume 2 : Transparent (TPT005)
Mutationz EP : DSCI4 (DSCI4EP001)
Black Sun Empire : Voltage/Skin Deep : Piruh (PIRUH001)
Black Sun Empire/Eye-D : Skin Deep (Eye-D Remix)/Unicorn MF (Black Sun Empire Remix) : Citrus (CITRUS009)
Black Sun Empire/Benjie : Stone Faces/A.I. : Black Sun Empire Recordings (BSE004)
Black Sun Empire & Concord Dawn/Rawthang ft. Kari Rueslatten : The Sun/Epilogue : Black Sun Empire Recordings (BSE002)
Typecell/Polarity & Shroombab : Bad Illusions (Black Sun Empire Remix)/Illicit Game : Protogen (PROTOGEN005)
Ill.skillz : Bowser/Soul Shaker : Ill.skillz Recordings (ILL001)
Ill.skillz : Fusion Dance EP : Trickdisc (TD007)
X Factor/Ill.skillz : Amazon/Disease : X Factor Recordings (XFACTOR1)
Ill.skillz : Forgive Myself (D.kay VIP Mix)/Forgive Myself : Critical (CRIT008)
The Remix EP : DSCI4 (DSCI4010)
D.kay/Concord Dawn : The Martians/Bad Bones (Ill.skillz Remix) : Freak Recordings (FREAK005)
Tomkin : Vicious/E-Sparks (Ill.skillz Remix) : Trickdisc (TD004)
Dumonde : Human (Ill.skillz Remix)/Human (Resonant Evil Remix) : Bulletproof (PROOF24X)
Imagination D/Pish Posh & Chris Young : The War Is OVer (Ill.skillz Remix)/The Angels Cry : Magic Vinyl (MV005)
D.kay : It's On The Way/Space Quest : Soul:R (SOUL:R011)
Soul:ution EP - Series 1: Part 3 : Soul:R (SOUL:R006)
D.kay : Beat The Machines/Give It To You : C.I.A. (CIA019)
Sektor 5 EP : Advanced Records (ADVRSK5)
D.kay & Epsilon : Barcelona
D.kay & Epsilon : Come Easy/Velvet Skies : Defunked (DFUNKD019)
Bulletproof : Gun Runner/Seduction : Cyanide (CYAN007)
Bulletproof : 12" Armour EP - Part 1 : Cyanide (CYAN006)
Trust/Mason & Dstar : Redeemer/Iron Curtain : IntaSounds (INTA001)
Trust/Mason & Dstar : Fracture/Pride : Benz Street (BENZ74459)
Dstar/DJ Who, Neoverse & Nikki : Stingray/Lay It Down (Dstar Remix) : Amess (AMESS002)
Trust : Come With Me/Chazm : Gasm Recordings (GASM002)
By Design : Dilemma (Origin, Trust & Alder Remix) : G2 (G2008)
A-Sides/Eric Sermon : Punks (2003 Re-Lick)/React (Trust VIP Mix) : white label (SLIPPING001)
Bad Company : The Fear EP : Bad Company (VDBCR002)
Bad Company : Rush Hour/Blind : BC Recordings (BCRUK002)
Bad Company : Digital Nation LP : BC Recordings (BCRUKLP001)
Bad Company : Inside The Machine : Bad Company (VDBCRLP001)
Bad Company : Spraycan/Coma : DSCI4 (DSCI4003)
Bad Company : Book Of The Bad - Volume 2 : BC Recordings (BCRUKEP002)
Bad Company : Shot Down On Safari : BC Recordings (BCRUKLP002)
World Of Drum & Bass : Formation Records (FORMLP007)
Bad Company : Book Of The Bad - Volume 3 : BC Recordings (BCRUKEP003)
Bad Company : Planet Dust/Speedball : Prototype Recordings (PROUK03)
Bad Company : Book Of The Bad - Volume 1 : BC Recordings (BCRUKEP001)
Bad Company : Spacehopper (Triton's Universe)/Tonight : Ram Records (RAMM37)
Bad Company & DJ Trace/Bad Company : Digital Nation LP Sampler : BC Recordings (BCRUKLPS001)
Johnny Jungle : Johnny (2003 Bad Company Remix)/Flip It : True Playaz
DJ Shadow : Six Days (DJ Shadow Remix)/Six Days (Album Version)/Six Days (Instrumental Mix)/Six Days (Bad Company Remix) : Island (0440063896-1)
Adam F & Redman : Smash Sumthin' (Bad Company Remix)/Smash Sumthin' (Roni Size Remix) : Kaos Production (KAOS003)
Total Science : Squash (Bad Company Remix)/Squash (Total Science VIP Mix) : Advanced (ADVRSQ)
Fresh & Vegas : Otto's Way/Heatwave : Metro Recordings (MTRR004)
Fresh : Mutated For 200X EP : Breakbeat Punk (UPUNK001EP)
Fresh : The Music Maker EP : Ram Records (RAMM43)
Fresh & Fierce/Fibre Optic : Innocence/Rehab : Quarantine (QRN001)
Concord Dawn : Bitchkiller/The Drill : Low Profile (LPO004)
Concord Dawn : Chameleon/Shinkansen : Low Profile (LPO008)
Concord Dawn : Succubus/Cloud City : Low Profile (LPO005)
Default/Concord Dawn : Courage (Rascal & Klone Remix)/Guardian Angel (New Edit) : Logistic (LOG003)
Concord Dawn : Killsaw/Haemorrahage : Low Profile (LPO003)
Concord Dawn : Slinky/Junglist : Heavy Rotation (HR002)
Concord Dawn : The Fallen/Strangers/Styx : Low Profile (LPO002)
Quad 2 EP : Function (CHANEL9614)
Drum & Bass Arena LP - Volume 2 : React (REACTLP240)
Optiv & Concord Dawn/Cause 4 Concern : Zulu/Quattro : Red Light (RL004)
Jonny L : Magnetic : XL Recordings (XLLP125)
Adam Freeland : We Want Your Soul (Ed Rush & Optical Remix)/We Want Your Soul (Infusion Remix) : Maximise Profit (FREE001R)
Baron : Effortless Chic/School Disco : Trouble On Vinyl (TOV55)
Baron : Meet The Creeper/Hell Billy : C.I.A. (CIA013)
Brockie & Ed Solo : System Check/Overload Your Mind : Undiluted (UD010)
Buju Banton : Champion (Heretic Remix) : Rude Bwoy Plastic (RBP003)
Calyx : Catapult EP : Moving Shadow (MSXEP003)
Calyx : Killa EP : Moving Shadow (MSXEP027)
Drumfunk Hooliganz - Volume 2 : Moving Shadow (ASHADOW24)
Calyx : Leviathan/Mindfold : Metalheadz (METH048)
Calyx : Waste Ground EP : Moving Shadow (MSXEP018)
MDZ.03: No Smoke Without Fire : Metalheadz (METH03LP)
Capone : Tudor Rose (Shimon Remix)/Fusion : Hardleaders (HL64)
Cause 4 Concern : Face Lift/Psyke : 1210 Recordings (1210-005)
Cause 4 Concern : Luca/Abduction : Cause 4 Concern Recordings (C4CLTD2)
DJ Clipz : Showtime EP : Emcee (EMCEE011)
Digital : Gateman (Keaton Remix)/Get Loose : Phantom Audio (PHAX4)
Dillinja & Lemon D : The Crash Test EP : Test Recordings (TESTEP001)
Dillinja : Cybotron : London (LC00253)
Dillinja : This Is A Warning/Super DJ : Valve (VLV008)
Kamanchi/DJ Die : Hey DJ/Driver : Full Cycle (FCY035)
DJ Hype : The Original Foundation EP : Ganja (RPG001)
DJ Krust : Coded Language : Talkin' Loud (562399-1)
DJ Zinc : Freenote EP : True Playaz (TPR12044)
Reborn In The USA EP : Moving Shadow (MSXEP021)
Lickable Beats - Part 1 : Intercom (ICOM030)
Ed Rush, Optical & Fierce : Cutslo/Alien Girl : Prototype (PRO014)
Ed Rush & Optical : Wormhole : Virus (VRS001LP)
Ed Rush & Optical : Watermelon/Sick Note : Virus (VRS004)
Ed Rush & Optical : Syringe/Crash/Mercury Switch/Kridian : Virus (VRS007TP)
Cymande : The Message (Ed Rush & Optical Remix) : white label (MSG001)
DJ Hidden & Slacknote : Where's The Score? (Evol Intent Remix)/Where's The Score : Evol Intent (EI005)
Skynet : Psychonaughts/Lifeforce : Discrete (DTR001)
Rawthang ft. Kari Rueslatten/Benjie : Scorned/A.I. (Rawthang VIP Mix)
B-Key : Higher Level/Time Machine : Outbreak (OUTB020)
Nightbreed : The Theme/Bad Feeling : Frequency (FQY008)
Leon Switch : Needed To Me/Karma : Unkut (UKR2010)
Leon Switch/Kryptic Minds : The Fear Inside/Sending My Love : Unkut (UKR2009)
Tech Itch : Pressure Drop/Shadow Daemon : Penetratin (TIP010)
Tech Itch : Soldiers/The Green : Penetration (TIP011)
Amit : Dual Sense/Roots : Commercial Suicide (SUICIDE012)
Shy FX & UK Apache : Original Nuttah : Tuff Street (SOSLUMEN001)
Shy FX : Bambaata (Back To The Core Mix)/Bambaata (Dillinja Remix) : Ebony (EBR020)
The Edit EP : Jedi (JEDI007)
Silver : 1991/Soul Searcher : L Plates (PLATE2116)
Omni Trio : Renegade Snares (High Contrast Remix)/Renegade Snares : Moving Shadow (SHADOW166)
Sonic : Futureworld Part 1/What U Do 2 Me : Space Recordings (SPACER001)
Sonic : Love Came In/Feel The Vibe : Space Recordings (SPACER002)
Sonic : Still Dreaming EP : Space Recordings (SPACER003)
Sonic : Falling/Sunday Morning : Space Recordings (SPACER004)
Sonic & Silver/Sonic : Space Cadet/Road Movie : Space Recordings (SPACER005)
Sonic : Galaxy Flip/The Range : Space Recordings (SPACER007)
Sonic : Retrothruster/The Big Blue : Space Recordings (SPACER008)
Sonic : Rusholme/Kashmiri Twist : Space Recordings (SPACER009)
Roni Size/DJ Die : Strictly Social (Nu:Tone Remix)/Autumn (Commix Remix) : Liquid V (LQD001)
D-Region : Buenos Aires/Buenos Aires (Instrumental Mix)/Shiver : Z-Audio (ZED001)
Chameleon : Miss India/Spirit Of The Earth : Frequency (FQY006)
Outrage : Time Check/Buzz : L Plates (PLATE2118)
Origin Unknown : Hotness/Hotness (Roni Size Remix) : Ram Records (RAMM45)
High Contrast : Basement Track/Basement Track (Dub Mix)/Basement Track (Acapella Mix) : Hospital (NHS60)
High Contrast : True Colours : Hospital (NHS41LP)
High Contrast : Passion/Full Intension : Hospital (NHS34)
High Contrast : Make It Tonight/Mermaid Scar : Hospital (NHS37)
J-Majik/Future Bound & Recall : Solarize/Hypnotizin' : Infrared (INFRA16)
Delerium & Sarah McLachlan : Silence (J-Majik Remix) : bootleg (SILENT001)
Dillinja & Lemon D : Big Bad Bass : Valve (VLV01LP)
Dylan & Loxy : End Of Days/Eclipse : Cylon (CYLON001)
Dylan & Loxy : Evolution/The Temple : Cylon (CYLON002)
Apollo 2/LTJ Bukem : Return To Atlantis/Atlantis (I Need You) : Good Looking (GLR003)
LTJ Bukem : Horizons/Rainfall : Looking Good (LGR001)
LTJ Bukem : Journey Inwards : Good Looking (GLRAA001LP)
Matrix & Fierce : Climate (Cause 4 Concern Remix)/Tightrope (Red One Remix) : Metro (MTRR010)
Spy Technologies - Volume 2: Battlefield : DSCI4 (DSCI4LP003)
Monkey & Large : Slam VIP/Anti-Life : G2 (G2006)
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
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I felt it today. I awoke clutching my blanket. There was a crispness in the air that I smelled. It hit me hard...that piercing brisk that tingled my spine. I knew it came here to hurt me again. Autumn is here...and I know my breakdown is on its way.
But things are different this time.
I know I'll make it through.
- cloudDEAD
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 3:16 am. |
| Music: | KoRn - Proud. |
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I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING TRASH ANYMORE!!!!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. have i ever hurt you?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. are we close?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. Whats something you would change about me?
29. How well do you know me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
33. Whats something you love about me?
And in other news...I'm scared shitless of tomorrow night. Remember, if you're at Klub Ambush from 10 - 12 and you see me fuck up...just keep on screaming my name like I'm a rock gawd.
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Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.
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Alright, time for some hate.
I'm really fucking sick of EVERYONE and their mother expecting so goddamn much of me. I can't walk outside of my house without someone constantly asking for me to do something for them. I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of everyone asking me to teach them production techniques just because I'm the only jungle producer in the 757 who actually writes tracks that people enjoy. Hey guys, here's a little piece of info for you...*I* don't think my tracks are that good. If you like 'em, great. Thanks. But you know what? When everyone asks me to give them all the software I have, teach them how to use it all on a rudimentary level, teach them all the advanced tricks I know, and THEN wants to collaborate with me, I get a little perturbed. And another thing...I'm really sick of people suggesting what the fuck I should do with my music or how to create it. Maybe I like using the software I have. Maybe I don't want to produce a track with your favorite sample in it just because you want it done. Maybe your ideas suck. Maybe I just want to be left alone and write the music that I want.
I'm tired of bitches. Every fucking day, it's a new problem with a new chick...not just people who have a fancy for me or I for them, nononono...just bitches in general. Some of them whine too much, some of them talk too much, some of them are fucking flaky as shit, some of them are completely and utterly boring, some of them are all of the above. And I really fuckin' hate it when girls want me to devote my life to them and then get all pissy when I can't gift-wrap it and send it FedEx Same Day Air. First and foremost, I'm 20 years old. I'm not trying to think about anything more than the fact that I'm 20, my life has one goal and no direction whatsoever and that I'm going to have some fuckin' fun. I don't think about the future because it's fuckin' pointless. I'm sorry, but deal with it. Maybe in the future, I'll think about the present...but that's about all the certainty of thinking in the future I think about. And you know what else? I don't play this whole soap opera bullshit game some of these chicks play. Deal with me face to face or don't deal with me at all. And don't expect me to come back and act like nothing ever happened. I'm really not THAT forgiving...and if I do forgive you, feel special.
You know what the absolute worst part of EVERYTHING is? I work an 8 hour day, I have two smoke breaks and a lunch break, I'm at my desk from the time I clock in till the time I clock out, I come home, I work on my music usually because someone has requested something from me and I was stupid enough to agree to it, I don't get too many phone calls, hardly anyone comes by, I go to sleep, wake up and do it again, I've got almost 1000 bucks in debt, I'm trying to get my career going, I'm trying to promote myself and get my name out there, I'm trying to get my license and car situation taken care of, I'm trying to get my life together so that I can actually figure out what the fuck I'm doing and where the fuck I'm going....
...and they still expect everything of me. Why don't they understand? I'm one person with too much shit on too little a plate. Everyone wants just a little piece and what happens? I don't have anything left over for me. Fuck that.
From now on, people either deal with the fact that yeah, believe it or not, my life DOESN'T revolve around you but as much time as possible will be devoted to you, or you can get the fuck out of my face. It's that simple. I'm not dealing with everyone's selfishness anymore.
- Aaron
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 17th, 2004
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May 14th at Reverb (Klub Ambush)
Front Room
10 - 12: PERPETUUM (Dirt Lounge; Norfolk) - drum 'n bass
Anyone who's 18 or older and still reads my journal, PLEASE, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease come out and see me spin. It's a big day for me and I'm really excited about it. Drop a comment if you need directions.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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K. So I love Outkast. Now...I've loved Outkast since ATLiens, practically from the moment I heard Elevators. And over the years, I grew to love their music even more. Bear in mind that I'm a huge hip-hop fan, aside from being a huge Outkast fan. Ever since Dre and Big Boi released Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, these little emo fags have been clinging to Dre's nuts like a bad case of pubic lice. Okay, we know Hey Ya is a wonderful track. In fact, I would like to name my first-born son Possum Jenkins. And yes, I'm sure it absolutely fascinates you white thick-rimmed glasses-wearing freaks of nature that *gasp* a black man...not just ANY black man...but a black RAPPER can actually play guitar! But you know what? Just cuz The Wave plays that song every week at 1AM TO THE FUCKING MINUTE does NOT mean you're a fan of Outkast. I don't see any of you pasty, pale fucks listening to Spottieottiedopalicious. I ain't never heard you bumpin' Snappin' and Trappin' in your little piece of shit Camaros. Christ almighty...the song is so tired now, it's practically comatose and you genetic deviants are the ones making it flatline. Do me and the rest of the card-carrying hip-hop appreciators a favor: take Outkast out of your "favorites" list (and by the way, you're not fucking fooling anyone when you have 500 faceless, barcode-stamped emo bands, ALL of which sound exactly the fucking same, listed in your profile and smack-dab in the middle, you list Outkast...yeah...real slick there, Slappy), stop acting like you've never heard a black man play guitar (we did, in fact, CREATE rock 'n roll and every other type of music that's fun to listen to), and take your wack-ass moves off the fuckin' dancefloor. He says "shake it like a Polaroid picture", not "shake it like you've got Parkinson's" or "seizure like you've got epilepsy".
What's cooler than being cool?
Not being a white suburbanite emo trendfuck that thinks they have some sort of culture because they like one song by one member of one hip-hop group.
Fuck off and have a nice day.
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Comments: Read 15 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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| Time: | 4:06 am. |
| Mood: |  crushed. | | Music: | DJ Spooky vs. the Freight Elevator Quartet - Infrared. |
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This song has been on infinite repeat since I got home from work four hours ago. Has there ever been a song that has conjured images of your own death? How about all your fears? Every painful moment you've experienced in your life?
This song typifies all of the above.
Every painful moment once regressed comes forth, my future lay before me, everything I've ever been afraid of...it all becomes frighteningly real to me.
Every breakup...Hali, Angel, Kia, Brittany, Cortney, Erin...they come back. Being the victim of so many of my peers' ridicule...it comes back. Abandonment, violation, addiction, suicide....running in the snow at the crack of dawn, hoping to Christ she'd come back....he'd come back....I'd come back...that they'd all leave me alone...that they'd be further away from me.
Darkness...silence...people...places...altitude...they twist together and form the beast within me. The one I lock away for fear that it consumes me. The one I can never run from, no matter how hard I try. The one I see when I look in the mirror. The one that hides behind these eyes.
It all becomes a melange of fog covering black and purple swirls, like the end of time. It is depression in the purest form...a depression that drains me rather than saddens me. I can't move, because I've accepted that there is nowhere to go. I can't scream, because I've accepted that no one will hear me. I can't cry, because I've accepted that no tear will change the fact that I'm alone and I will never leave this place. It is all that embodies depression...as if I become a conduit of negative energy...and I will bring anyone down who comes near me.
And as much as I know that this song takes me to that place that I never want to go to...that anti-home...I have to listen to it. I have to let it take me where it decides I should go. I have to see this through, because I have to beat it. I have to let it consume me...I have to purge myself. I can't live if I don't.
File me under failed.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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So...things.
64 thousand dollar question: Why doesn't Aaron just settle down? Why is he always on the hunt for women?
Answer: Because there hasn't been one that satisfies him.
That's the problem, though. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. All my RP characters were balanced, I listen to a wide range of music, I have a variety of friends from different lifestyles. I'm just right there in the middle of things.
Somedays, I want a girl with straight pink hair down to the small of her back. Other days, I want a girl with short blonde hair. I might want a girl with curly brown hair the next week. So forth, so on.
Somedays, I want my girl to be petite, with smallish figures throughout. Other days, I want a slender girl, of average height. I might want a girl who's a little on the hefty side the next week.
Somedays, I want my girl to be smothering. Other days, I want a girl that's completely uncommunicative. I might want a girl who's just there the next week.
Some days, I want my girl to love me unconditionally. Other days, I want a girl to hate my guts. I might want a girl who's just a really good friend the next week.
Girls have come into my life and have left because I was afraid...and because I'm too indecisive.
Do I stick with the girl that loves me even though she doesn't satisfy me the way I want? Or do I just leave her by the wayside and try to find the perfect one? And if I do leave her, and I realize how miserable I am without her, will she still be there for me?
Usually, the answer to the last question is "no". No girl wants to be the back-up plan...and I've treated so many as if they were the last resort. Of course...if I knew then what I know now... I don't think they'll ever know how sorry I am...
The sad part is that no matter how many times I convince myself that I'll be alright...that I'm fine with whomever they're dating...and that I'm fine with not being with them...it still hits me hard to know that it's present.
That's what's weird. I expect it...I plan for it...I toughen up for it...no matter what I do, it still hits me....it's still an open wound.
I'm learning to accept what I have when I have it. I'm learning to cherish and embrace it. I'm learning to just be happy with myself and who I'm with. Maybe what happened to me years ago isn't the reason that I am how I am now. Maybe it's because I'm so afraid that someone better will come along and make me feel the way I feel when I watch a movie and, for a few brief moments, live my life vicariously through those characters. And maybe I never get attached because I think that every girl who has a fascination with me is better than the last. Maybe I don't get attached because I always think that I'm being judged on who I date...and those that are beautiful and wonderful to me may be ugly and horrible to others. Maybe it's because I need constant reassurance that I'm a desirable person.
See, Cortney? This is why I couldn't commit to you. Fear. Fear that no one would see the beauty in you that I saw and that I'd be judged for it. Fear that I'd be with you for years and always wonder "What if?" Fear that I'd always love you more than you loved me and being powerless to stop it. But...my worst fear did come true: the fear that you'd find someone better than me to love when I wouldn't commit to you.
I'm not a good person. I've done horrible things. I've hurt innocent people in order to save myself from being hurt. But I'm learning to just give in. I'm learning to just stay with someone. The "what ifs" have been replaced by "fuck its". It's hard...but I'm trying to learn to be that person that loves and is loved.
I'm sorry, Cortney. You were always better to me than I was to you.
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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Fuck off. Treat me like I'm stupid and see what happens to you.
Alright, now that that's out of the way...
*deep breath*
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about the past, thinking about the present, thinking about the future. Trying to figure out the quesitons of what's happened to me, what is happening to me and what will happen to me. In doing so, I've come to one conclusion.
Those three are the wrong questions to ask.
I should be asking myself what have I done, what am I seeing and what is it all leading up to? There is a change over the horizon. I don't know when it will arrive. I don't know what it will be. I don't know whether it will be good or bad. But I do know it's a big change and it's going to happen soon.
For now...I've got my memories to hold on to, my quest for knowledge to bide my time and my strength, that God-willing, will keep me whole in the future.
Here's to the Revolution.
- clouddeaD
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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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| Time: | 6:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | Mampi Swift - Zion. |
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2 Technics SL-1200 turntables - $400 each
Rane Empath Scratch Mixer - $1000
Pioneer EFX 500 effects processor- $450
Behringer B2031 Truth monitors - $300
Korg D32XD 32-Track Xtended Definition Recording Studio mixing desk - $3000
R0DE NT1-A Anniversary Model condenser microphone - $200
M-Audio/Midiman Ozone MIDI controller - $250 (changed item to Oxygen8 for 120) BOUGHT
Computer dedicated for production - 1091
(Nikao ATX case with 550W power supply - $52
Asus A7V8X-X with Athlon XP 3000+ -$240
Western Digital 250GB EIDE drive - $208
Micron/Crucial 1GB PC3200 RAM - $219
Hewlett Packard DVD-R Combo - $97)
Native Instruments Absynth 2 - $230
Native Instruments Absynth Sounds Vol. 1 - $35
Native Instruments Synthetic Drums - $75
Native Instruments Reaktor 4 - $430
Spectrasonics Atmosphere - $400
Steinberg HALion 2 - $295
Drumkit From Hell - $90
Waves Gold Native Bundle - $1300)
M-Audio Audiophile 2496 soundcard - $175 BOUGHT
Yes yes...the revolution is coming. It will not be televised...it will be broadcast through soundwaves.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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Yes...one hour and twenty-two minutes ago, I turned 20. I've spent 20 years on planet Earth and I've spent 20 years trying to get back to the galaxy I came from. Like I've said before...
I *AM* a fucking alien.
clouddead zeta1-reticuli
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, December 29th, 2003
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I'm stealing this from Lisa, cuz it's one of the few surveys that I actually like.
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Gone to huge parties, got over a lot of my personal fears and inner demons, learned to dance (very well, I may add), DJed and produced, and sold porn.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Haven't made any, don't need to make any. Don't feel the need to set goals for myself to accomplish on a certain day. They come in time.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? I stayed in America.
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? More money, a record deal, a girlfriend.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 27th, because I saw the evils of man and woman.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? It was a recent one. I wrote a track that got played at the biggest club on the east coast and had everyone going nuts over it. That and I quit drinking alcohol and entered AA.
9. What was your biggest failure? Relationships.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I caught the flu twice.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Prolly a new soundcard.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Probably Alex's. He's been quite possibly the biggest influence on my life right now.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I'd rather not answer this one.
14. Where did most of your money go? Food, clubs, Red Bull, records, and computer equipment.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Starscape at the end of September, and Alex dropping my track at Nation.
16. What song will always remind you of 2003? Got an hour or two?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I try not to think in terms of happy or sad. I'm much more comfortable with life right now.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being lazy.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it. Slept most of the day, went to 80's Night.
22. Did you fall in love in 2003? Yes.
23. How many one-night stands? None.
24. What was your favorite TV program? Chappelle's Show.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? My heart is hateless.
26. What was the best book you read? Neuromancer by William Gibson.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Electronic music, but more specifically, drum 'n bass.
28. What did you want and get? I entered the year with no expectations. Thus, everything I have now is what I wanted at the time.
29. What did you want and not get? See above.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? The Matrix: Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 19, it was on January 4th and no one but Mertz even bothered to call me.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I have no regrets or complaints.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? Function over form.
34. What kept you sane? My friends and AA.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? For whatever reason, I wanted to bang the shit out of Charlize Theron. Charlize, if you're reading this, baby, give a nigga a call!
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Couldn't give a fuck less.
37. Who did you miss? Everyone that wasn't there at the time that I wanted them to be.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Too many to name, but major cool points to Alex, Mowse, Jaicen, Mark, Billy, Kristi and, although we've had our hard times (God knows it was probably just as hard on her as it was on me), Cortney.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003. Never be afraid to try new things, never be afraid to listen to new music, never be afraid to show yourself, never be afraid to love, and never be afraid to reach your own goals.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. It seems uncertain.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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2 Technics SL-1200 turntables - $400 each
Rane Empath Scratch Mixer - $1000
Pioneer EFX 500 effects processor- $450
Behringer B2031 Truth monitors - $300
Korg D32XD 32-Track Xtended Definition Recording Studio mixing desk - $3000
R0DE NT1-A Anniversary Model condenser microphone - $200
M-Audio/Midiman Ozone MIDI controller - $250
Computer dedicated for production - 1091
(Nikao ATX case with 550W power supply - $52
Asus A7V8X-X with Athlon XP 3000+ -$240
Western Digital 250GB EIDE drive - $208
Micron/Crucial 1GB PC3200 RAM - $219
Hewlett Packard DVD-R Combo - $97)
Native Instruments Absynth 2 - $230
Native Instruments Absynth Sounds Vol. 1 - $35
Native Instruments Synthetic Drums - $75
Native Instruments Reaktor 4 - $430
Spectrasonics Atmosphere - $400
Steinberg HALion 2 - $295
Drumkit From Hell - $90
Waves Gold Native Bundle - $1300
Grand total: $9671
Aaron is now on a mission.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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At the time of this posting, I'll have 41 days of sobriety....one day short of six weeks.
To say that and really mean it is an incredible feeling. Tonight, I went to a meeting and received my red chip. It felt empowering to have everyone applauding me and behind me 100% no matter what they thought of me or who they are or vice versa. It was nice to know that I'm not alone. And it was great to be able to speak in front of everyone about my problem and know that no matter how old I am or how long I've been drinking or how bad my problem is compared to anyone else, all of us in that room were in the same boat.
I always leave a meeting feeling ten times better than I did when I walked in, no matter how bad I felt. It could have been a day where everything went wrong and I still leave the meeting feeling on top of the world.
When people ask me why I don't drink, I tell them. Most of them are curious about why I'd decided to quit drinking at such an early age or how I came to the realization that I was an alcoholic and some of them have even been interested in going themselves. It's great to possibly be a positive role model for someone in need. Some people are sick and tired of being sick and tired and hide it from everyone else...ashamed to admit to themselves and to others that they have a problem. And I know what it's like. I know what it's like to want to drink and be sociable and feel like part of the group. I've said it to myself and to everyone around me a million times. "I don't have a problem. I can handle it. I've got it under control." I wanted to believe that....every fiber of my being wanted to believe what I'd said was true. But I knew deep down that it wasn't. And I never had anyone around me that had been through that to help me realize it...which is probably why nothing makes me happier than to help people who are in need...because I know what it's like to get out of a hole that seems bottomless and no one is around to throw a rope.
Going to this last meeting was what made me feel like a part of something that I could say has changed my life for the better. Something that, regardless of time or place or person, will always better me and always help me to find my way. I don't feel afraid to talk about my problems or to be around people with lives more fucked up than mine or to utter the words, "Hi, I'm Aaron and I'm an addict and alcoholic"...and I don't feel afraid to say...
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference."
- Aaron
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clouddead's journal
optimistic.
stressed.
nervous.
angry.
giddy.
horny.
determined.